| < Back to About Page Some dos and don'ts for having healthy Polyamorous relationships Do create a free-flowing line of communication with your partner(s) where honesty is both encouraged and celebrated... Do tell your partner(s) what you want and need as much as possible. That is YOUR responsiblity not THEIRS. One of the best ways to have a healthy relationship is to continually let the other person(s) know what you want and need from them. Just because you partner(s) love you, doesn't mean that they are mind readers.. Do talk with your partner(s) about what your personal and physical boundaries are. How much alone time do you or they need? What are you and your partner(s)'s personal boundaries? The clearer this is to both you and your partner(s), the easier it is to maintain and respect those boundaries. Do have a conversation with your partner(s) to see how much they would like and need to know about your activities with your other partners...What is their comfort zone? If they want to know a lot, then make sure that your other partners know this, so that they don't feel like their privacy is invaded......if your partners would like a don't ask don't tell policy then make sure that you retain those boundaries.... Do discuss with your partner(s) what your sexual agreements with other partners are. Do you require that your partner(s) tell you who they are with and what sexual activity occurred? Or do you just want occasional updates? Do encourage your partner(s) to get together separately if they enjoy each other's company......It can, believe it or not, make everyone feel safe and creates a beautiful loving environment where everyone feels in the loop and included............ Also it takes the pressure off of you if your partner(s) have their own conversations and relationships with each other......It can strengthened your relationship with your partner(s) if they know more about your other partner(s) and have their own acquaintence or friendship with them. Don't compromise in your relationships......understand what your partner wants and make sure that you are either o.k with it or not...if you say yes, to please your partner and put your own needs second then you are invariably going to wind up being resentful of them later on....Also, if you are always compromising then, in many ways you are also giving up your autonomy, which is a dangerous thing. Listen to WHY SOMETHING IS IMPORTANT to your partner(s) and if it something that also works for you great,..if not, don't do it but, get creative and brainstorms things that COULD work for both of you. Do make sure that BEFORE you ever go on a date with a potential partner, that you let that person know that you are polyamorous. Also, let them know exactly what your current relationship status is....do you have a primary? what are you looking for?...make sure that you are on the same page before you go on the date...otherwise you will waste your time, energy, heart and money on something that isn't going to work out from the get go.... Be bold and upfront....don't try to create a possible polyamorous situation after dating someone for awhile and not getting clear about what he or she wants as well..That person will probably feel misled, angry and/or disappointed and then the chances of even having that person as a friend are slim...... Do create trust right from the beginning in your relationship....You do this by being as up front as possible from the get go about who you really are and what you really want ....no one can blame you if you say this from the beginning. If they know exactly who you are then they can truely make the right decision for themselves because of that information. ..It's when they feel deceived and led on about what the relationship might be, that anger usually arises. Also, it is important to observe someone's actions. If they say, yes, that they also want to be polyamorous with you and then constantly behave otherwise, listen to that....some people don't feel that they have the right to get exactly what they want so they compromise themselves in order to be with you.......this is a dangerous thing and definitely actions speak louder than words....... Do constantly give your partner(s) choice.....Making demands is not fun on the receiving end and also is not very inspiring.....for example, I would LIKE to see you tonight instead of I HAVE to....come from a place of want NOT need. Do have regular discussions with your partner(s) to see if you both still want the same things that you previously have agreed upon.....For example, if you have agreed to want kids together make sure periodically that you are still feeling the same way. Do ask your partner if it is o.k. to share something personal with them about one of your other partners....Give them a choice to hear you share......They will feel like their boundaries are respected if you ask them if you can share with them an intimate experience that you have just had............ Do make each of your partners feel special and don't combine dates a lot. Combining time with all of them together, or killing two birds with one stone is not a good idea. It is important to nurture one-on-one time with all your relationships. Be very clear that if you haven't seen one of your partners in awhile and he/she invites you to something where you will not get the one-on-one time that you need, that you should probably decide to not go, or at least not go with the expectation that you will get that alone time. Do preserve your alone time...Always take care of yourself first because then you have so much more to give and will be more apt to be in a great mood when you are with your partner(s). Don't take responsibilty for your partner(s) happiness......keep remembering that it is their job(s) to take care of themselves not yours..... Do be the person that you would want to be in a relationship. If you do something to your partner that's not great...ask yourself, would I want that done to me? Would I like me if I was behaving like that? If the answer is no, then why would you expect someone else to put up with that? Do rat yourself out first if you know that you have done something that isn't on the up and up. You don't have to be perfect all the time but, take ownership when you are not. Do be your own everything and have your relationships be the icing on your cake...... It is a dangerous thought if you are looking for someone to complete you.......A partner can significantly add to your life but shouldn't BE your life. The best way to find a relationship is when you are in a place where you don't need one...That's the most attractive way to be......Find yourself and then people will find you.......If you concentrate on being a complete human being and also being your ultimate self then people will find you incredibly attractive and you will not need to lift a finger or even TRY to find someone...... Don't be desperate and needy....these are repelling qualities for anyone. It doesn't matter how tight your abs are or how gorgeous you are if you are giving signs that you are desperate and needy than you will not be attractive to others and you most certainly won't have healthy relationships if you do find someone. Do make your partner feel supported and backed up by you.............loving them means accepting all of them.......that means that if they are passionate about something that you don't necessarily have an interest in support them with their interests. You don't have to take on their interests as your own to necessarily support them...just make them feel that you are cheering them on because it is important to them!!!!!!!! Give your partner freedom to be their ultimate self.....support your partner in their explorations...if that means finding a new honey, support them in that but check in with yourself to see what you need in order to give that them...Do you need more security with your own relationship and if so what does that mean?...Do you need to have the official title of primary partner in order to feel secure enough to give your honey the freedom to persue their other desires.?..... Do realize that love is acceptance, Don't go into a relationship with the thought that you will change that person later into what you want.......either accept who they are now or move on............it's a losing battle and will make both of you miserable... Don't play games with your partner.......if for example, you really want to have kids and you know that your partner doesn't don't continue with the relationship thinking that "Oh, I will get them to change their minds later on." Listen to what they are telling you NOT what you WANT to hear from them.......Take them for their word and listen to what they are telling you that they want. Don't create in your mind what they want........ Do create a relationship name that works for both of you...if calling each other by the standard, primary, secondary, honey, sweetie, boyfriend, girlfriend doesn't feel descriptive enough then be more creative for example, female boyfriend, or hetero-sexual girlfriend, or life partner or OSO(other significant other)....make your names fit and feel comfortable for your relationship. Don't leave angry or nasty messages or e-mails with your partner and take their choice away by not letting them respond when they want or need to. If you are angry or upset with your partner, then let them know that you would like to speak with them and ask when a good time to talk would be. Showing them that you respect their space and time always seems to start a discussion on a good foot. Do give each your partner(s) room to go at their own pace with the relationship. For example, don't pressure someone to say, "I love you!" back if they aren't ready....Instead say something like......."I would like to let you know that I love you but you don't have to say anything back to me...I just need the space to express what I am feeling........" Don't write a gushy e-mail to your partner with the expectation that you will get one back. Let your partner(s) feel like they have the freedom to be not gushy with you and not make it mean that something is wrong in the relationship. An example of this can be, "I would like to be able to express some things to you but just realize that I don't need a response back.I only need for you to hear me and give me the space to be able to express what's on my mind". When you do this, then you give your partner a choice of his/her own self-expression.... Accept them for their OWN lovestyle.......And if it makes you feel insecure ask for a little more clarity about how they feel since your insecurity is invariably coming out of not being sure how they feel about you...... Do let your partner know if you feel either jealous or insecure....yes , these can be the scariest words to say to someone but I have found that if you just own your feelings and get them out and expressed to your partne(r) than chances are that those feelings become less powerfull. If you are feeling jealous or envious then, it is usually because you are not getting something that you want and your partner is instead getting what you really want for yourself. ......Jealousy sometimes arises as well, when you haven't taken proper care of yourself and your partner has...I.E. if he is with a new lover and you haven't taken the time out to find a new lover yourself....or for example, if your partner decides to go on vacation with a honey and that's something that you have really wanted and needed but have not expressed then chance are you will feel jealous. Do own the fact that you are polyamorous. If you want the kind of relationship for yourself that gives you the most self-expression, freedom and acceptance of who you really are, than you first must accept who you really are. Once you truly own being polyamorous you will naturally attract the kind of relationships that you want.... Do ask yourself BEFORE you add on another relationship...Is this new relationship going to add drama to my already existing healthy one(s? If so, you could jeoparize all your other relationships with one bad one. Do make your pre-existing relationship still feel special and important while you are nurturing your new one......No one wants to feel like they are being tossed aside or that they are the flavor-of-the-month. make sure that you set aside quality time for them as well. Do constantly acknowledge your partners for what they do right.....It will make them feel appreciated and will give them more insight into what you really like. Don't spend all your time at work and not on your relationships because, then you won't have any...polyamorous relationships by nature can take up a lot more time than monogamous ones because there are simply more people involved. Do take quality time for each and everyone on a regular basis if you want them to succeed.....Maintaining polyamorous relationships does take a lot of energy but the rewards can be well worth it.
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